the great saturday night swindle

another sleepless night. woke up at 3am with william blake's "london" stuck in my head. the annoying exercise of trying to remember the sequence of the lines. of course, then i started thinking about the past, which is always a surefire method of ruining my sleep. then i started to think about charles and meeting him in 1967 and the rest of that story, which i'll put on here some other time. then, thinking of the alan renais film "providence" and how, in the main character's mind, you meet his family in his memories but then, when you meet them in actuality, they're nothing like the way he sees them. i wonder if everyone my age is plagued with memory? and i wonder if anyone has discovered a way to escape from it? even the good memories are painful, i wish i could just wipe the entire slate clean. does anyone ever reconcile with the past? i remember when my mother used to complain of insomnia and how i couldn't believe anyone would have trouble sleeping. it has to be a function of age (and living).
on another note, i have to tell them at work tomorrow that i'm quitting. that's bothering me, also, only because i don't know what i'll do after quitting. no new job lined up, no plan. on the one hand it's rather an exhilerating feeling but on the other, rather frightening. i'm going ahead with the faith that everything always works out for the best for me and will again.